Jiggles

 

The other day I was getting ready to leave for a work meeting and I walked out to the backyard to kiss the kids goodbye and wish grandma luck with babysitting. As I made my way across the lawn, grandma announced in a cheery songful voice “Here comes Jiggles!!”

“Huh?”

As the “joke” sunk in, I felt the need to stand up for all post-partum/ breastfeeding women everywhere. And, by the way, I define post-partum as the period of months (or years) after the “baby” that it takes you to lose the weight you want to lose. If your child is seventeen and you still have ten or twenty pounds to lose, you’re still PP in my book. Breastfeeding, or “nursing” as all people over 40 call it, does require a hefty amount of jiggliness… at least in MY bosom and butt areas, but does a mother–person need to call attention to it?

 

In any event, all hail to squishy women everywhere! At least, now that we have kids we have an excuse for not having 6 pack abs. And for peeing when we laugh (or cough), and getting stuck in the “help me I can’t get up” position if we’re required to use stomach muscles to pull ourselves upright. Personally, I use motherhood as an excuse for many other things, including but no limited to general crankiness, drinking wine before 5pm, being tired all the time, lack of interest in subtitled foreign films, inability to “track” conversations about things that bore me. Motherhood is a nifty way to get out of many and sundry undesirable activities.

 

Cleaning up throw-up notwithstanding, a girl can have fun beyond her wildest dreams as a mom. Here’s a fun game. I like to call it “Drop Out.” Let’s say you’re home of an evening and the kids are in bed. Your husband starts to tell you a story about his golf game, or his meeting with the company, or his latest research on grass. Here is how “Drop Out” works. You sit very very still and stare quietly out the window and don’t respond at all. When he repeatedly calls your name (assuming he’s noticed you’re not listening), slowly turn your head and fix him with a totally blank stare. If your eyes are half-closed so much the better. Then, barely and inaudibly mumble “huh?” Better yet, just stare at him and don’t say a thing. At this point, he’ll either abandon his story all together (you win), retell the story from the beginning (you lose), or keep on talking from where he left. Just think of the fun!!

 

Or, you can play a new game I just made up called “Watch the Mad Lady.” Wait until one of your babysitters comes to watch the kids and announce “Here comes Jiggles” in sing-song voice as they walk over to you.

 

See? Fun.

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